Of course, I meant it, with just the barest sting of something that feels like just a hint of exasperation at the question. Or maybe it's impatience with the fact Yuri could even question it. Question him. What he means. When Victor had been apologizing and calling it a mistake, because of Yuri, only seconds before.
A mistake to have spoken. A mistake to have said he wanted to go there. Be there. Together. Skating together under the low lights of some place that Victor loves. Victor calling it a mistake, all of it, like Yuri wasn't the one of them being extraordinarily dense and overwhelmingly out of proportion. About everything outside of breathing and sitting.
It's a scary thing, making any statement that sounds declarative. Choosing a feeling that's anything like declarative. On a good day. About anything. This even more so. This, even while Victor says these things without seeming to think about them, and then takes offense to Yuri's absolute and idiotic unpreparedness for everything Victor defends as sincere, as insulting to have questioned. It's a scary thing, and no one else on the planet would have that problem.
That fear. Make Victor look like these things. Staring at his cup hidden.
Staring at him, with all the lights of that memory, that place he'd wanted to share, blown out, too.
It's scary, and stupid, but he stills says quickly. "I'd very much like to go see this rink, then." Except that's not all, is it? That still hides behind everything that's simple. It fits even the second thing he'd said. Restating it. Making it normal. Making it like any other trip. He tries to add, "With you."
But that's the same, isn't it? Still not right. Because even in the latter he would have gone with Victor. He swallows down something is a bubble of fear, and worthlessness, and unworthiness, and sheer scrambling idiocy. (Between the logic that says none of this could ever, and a slightly sick reach for those lights that had, just for a second.)
It's softer, so much infinitely softer, like maybe he can out run the words, not get them caught in his skin, not remember for all his life he said this, implied, took this step out toward something that shouldn't even be, that people might laugh at to hear him even imply was asked of him, no less that he'd acted like a child because of it, like it's not stupid and he's scared, and they aren't a for granted mistake, that isn't a mistake (like him?), because Victor said.
Victor who is looking at him, and Yuri can't quite figure out where to look. Victor, or his cup. Repeats, "With you." Pushes, trying to clarify. "I'd like to go skate with you, there. If you still."
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Date: 2017-04-20 12:28 pm (UTC)A mistake to have spoken. A mistake to have said he wanted to go there. Be there. Together. Skating together under the low lights of some place that Victor loves. Victor calling it a mistake, all of it, like Yuri wasn't the one of them being extraordinarily dense and overwhelmingly out of proportion. About everything outside of breathing and sitting.
It's a scary thing, making any statement that sounds declarative. Choosing a feeling that's anything like declarative. On a good day. About anything. This even more so. This, even while Victor says these things without seeming to think about them, and then takes offense to Yuri's absolute and idiotic unpreparedness for everything Victor defends as sincere, as insulting to have questioned. It's a scary thing, and no one else on the planet would have that problem.
That fear. Make Victor look like these things. Staring at his cup hidden.
Staring at him, with all the lights of that memory, that place he'd wanted to share, blown out, too.
It's scary, and stupid, but he stills says quickly. "I'd very much like to go see this rink, then." Except that's not all, is it? That still hides behind everything that's simple. It fits even the second thing he'd said. Restating it. Making it normal. Making it like any other trip. He tries to add, "With you."
But that's the same, isn't it? Still not right. Because even in the latter he would have gone with Victor.
He swallows down something is a bubble of fear, and worthlessness, and unworthiness, and sheer scrambling idiocy.
(Between the logic that says none of this could ever, and a slightly sick reach for those lights that had, just for a second.)
It's softer, so much infinitely softer, like maybe he can out run the words, not get them caught in his skin, not remember for all his life he said this, implied, took this step out toward something that shouldn't even be, that people might laugh at to hear him even imply was asked of him, no less that he'd acted like a child because of it, like it's not stupid and he's scared, and they aren't a for granted mistake, that isn't a mistake (like him?), because Victor said.
Victor who is looking at him, and Yuri can't quite figure out where to look. Victor, or his cup.
Repeats, "With you." Pushes, trying to clarify. "I'd like to go skate with you, there. If you still."