theglassheart: By Existentially (And judgement taught us)
[personal profile] theglassheart
If Yuri thought the night before this one never ended, he was wrong. It's this newest night that feels like it never ends. Oppressive, pressing, darkness, digging into his eyes, his mouth, his nose, his ears, while Victor breathed heavy and easy in the adjoining bed. Yuri had tried to sleep. Turning this way, turning that way, staring at the backs of his eyelids toward the ceiling, pressing his face into his pillow. He tried and tried and tried (and most of all found himself trying not to let his breathing race so fast it might wake Victor).

The evening had been bearable, if not entirely enjoyable or unenjoyable. Less stressful than the one before it, if only marginally, while Phichit and Victor drug him from place to place. Too late for museums or anything with middaytime, there had been rather quick tours through the Yu Garden, the Oriental Pearl Tower, and the Jade Buddha Temple, and in the cases of closed doors, pictures with their iconic buildings. As well as everything else that looked interesting between them.

It took forever, and then it was just over.

He'd enjoyed some of it, but none of it stuck for long.
Not even the late calls from his family and Yuu-san had.

Not with the Free Skate looming. Not with every single person he was skating with gunning for where he was standing, and every person watching wondering if he could somehow pull out o f himself the miraculous performance that had seemed to come from almost nowhere. Like it hadn't even belonged to him. How many times had he performed Eros and it'd never been that?

How badly would it be when (if - when) tomorrow couldn't match it?
What would they say about him, then? What would they say about Victor, then?

Yuri would fall asleep only to startle awake what could only have been seconds later, nerves sharpening with each new jolt, until it felt like ice was splintering more and stabbing up harder through every part of his veins, until each second asleep seemed to only contain the certainty he would fall, he would fail, he would forget. He could never reach whatever he'd touched for that brief two minutes and eighteen seconds.

It'd been a fluke. He'd only dreamed it. He couldn't explain it. He couldn't sleep.
Every minute in that dark reaching, but, also, clutching his pillow.
Eyelids clenched tight, or eyes open, staring at the other bed.


Over and over, he counted his breaths down.
Over and over, he repeated that he had and he could.
Over and over, he told himself this was all in his head.

Over and over, he slipped right back as soon as it finished.




That morning comes at all only changes the color of the sky.

Breakfast is a blur, piling food into himself, like maybe it would give him any solidness. Weigh him to the seat, to the ground, to reality. It should be impossible, but his head feels even heavier than his body. Hot water had shaken some tension from his skin, but none at all from his mind. It hadn't mattered whether he was in the bed, in the shower, in a booth, at a table.

His foot tapped under the table, all the way up to his knee and thigh, and in the moments he could make himself stop, his fingers drum against the side of his thigh or the seat instead. Desperate to try and keep it from Victor's sight, when Victor won't stop looking at him, smiling like that, talking about how Eros was perfect, and what he should do as soon as they arrived at practice.

How would he look when he realized Yuri couldn't reproduce what he done. Couldn't even look at the things that compounded to get him there. Words Victor'd said, but entirely in a different way than he'd said them. That Yuri'd blown them out of proportion and reality out there, during Eros. What would he do if Yuri couldn't place at all?

What would he do when everyone no longer was cheering his name as the reason Yuri had done so well? When there would only be that gut-wrenching pity on every face and Victor's name was smeared with his failures the same as his already was? Why was he even going to put himself through that? Why was Yuri?





Practice is a comedy of uncertainty.
He doesn't even want to return to the wall and Victor during it.

His feet hardly feel like they belong to his body, and thinking about love doesn't produce his love, his family, Hasetsu, or Victor, it brings up more and more knots in his guts. It tears up the ice under him with images of last year, of every fall, of every day spent in his bed, avoid being awake, avoiding the rink, Celestino, Phichit. The flip of what that could -- will -- look like again.

Except at home. Except with his parents, and Minako, and Yuu-san, and his family.

Their sad faces, their disappointment, as Victor's back went vanishing away in the background of his loss.

Even the ease of his long earned and long loved turns seems to be slipping from him when his focus won't pull itself together. At full speed it makes it a fumble of something he hasn't fumbled in half his life, even if he doesn't fall. It's better the next time, and gone the third, but it still there. He can do this. He can. He's done it how many hundreds and thousands of times.

It makes him sloppy. It makes him reckless. It makes him stubborn. It makes him hesitate.

It ends all too soon. The alarm sounding for them to come in, and he trails in.

Date: 2017-04-07 03:09 am (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (maybe a temple?)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
Even for Yuri, Yuri's been quiet today.

Quiet, and sluggish, too: taking longer in the shower and longer to get dressed and longer at breakfast, and now, on the ice, it looks like he's moving through molasses, and Victor bets he knows why. Yuri isn't used to being in first place or being the one to beat, and all of last night's euphoria has been sucked right out of him.

Not just him, either: the other skaters are all focused on their own practices and short, intent conversations with their coaches. Last night had been a celebratory mood, but this morning, it all seems to have soured. Everyone has remembered that they're here to compete, and that only half of them can make the podium, but only one can catch that gold medal they all want so much.

It's harder to determine who the real threat will be for the free skate: Chris could certainly pull ahead, and so could Georgi, if he's on, but Victor's wondering about Leo de Iglesia and Phichit Chulanont, both of whom had flawless short programs yesterday and would be gunning for the gold to prove themselves, just like Yuri is.

Or should be. Right now, he doesn't look up to fighting a wet piece of tissue paper, let alone a pack of competitive elite athletes. His skin is too pale, and there are dark circles under his eyes, and every movement looks painful and slow and exhausted, as Victor watches him, chin in hand, considering. "Yuri, you haven't slept, have you?"

He had slept just fine, even if there had been a moment or two of idle curiosity about just how he'd wound up with Yuri in his bed this morning, but he'd pulled that pillow into his chest and buried his face in it and been asleep in about two seconds flat, well pleased with the events of the day and Yuri's performance and confident that today would go just as well.

But maybe he should have stayed up, and tried to talk Yuri down from whatever was worrying him. Too late now, but there's still time to fix it: simply being tired is to be expected, and easily rectified.

Date: 2017-04-07 01:15 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (think think think)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
"Hmmmm."

If he sounds skeptical, it's because he is. He'd say Yuri looks like a zombie, but that might be an insult to zombies. What's going on with him today? He looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here, when here is where he's worked so hard to be.

Victor's finger taps against his lips, before he decides. "Go change into your shoes so we can go back to the hotel."

For lunch, but more importantly, for the room upstairs where he can draw the blinds and slap a sleep mask on Yuri's face and have him make up at least a few of the hours he'd missed and that he'll need during the free skate tonight.

Date: 2017-04-07 03:21 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (let's go to the ocean)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
He's lost in thought while Yuri's gone, going over everything he'd just seen on the ice and comparing it to yesterday, to yesterday's practice, to the one before, to the Southern Regional Championships, to Onsen on Ice. Trying to call to mind every foible of Yuri's personality and all his many worries, to figure out which is to blame for his current exhaustion, his inability to sleep, the lack of focus during practice.

It's not unlike the weeks after he'd won Onsen on Ice, maybe, when he'd avoided Victor and the rink entirely as much as possible, seemed preoccupied when he was there, spent most of his time in his room when he wasn't. Picked at his food, looked tired all the time. But that was before they'd reached a sort of understanding, and Victor backed off to function solely as coach: before they'd built Yuri on Ice, before Yuri had found the courage to open up little by little. To Victor. To the composer of his music. On the ice, in front of everyone.

That was sparked because he'd thought that, having won, the pressure built into something panicked and desperate in his head, like Victor might change his mind and leave if Yuri couldn't replicate his success or learn what Victor was trying to teach him. It's certainly possible something similar is going through his head now, and in the text screen on his phone, Minako agrees, tiny black text spelling out he's not used to being the one to beat, and Victor thinks that's likely, too.

Mixed with a sleepless night, it's no wonder Yuri is looking downhearted, so once he appears from the locker room, Victor slips on a mild expression and chats lightly on their way back to the hotel. It's important to keep a positive attitude, and give Yuri something to hold onto, right?

"Are you hungry, Yuri? Let's get some lunch, and then I think we should just go back to the room until it's time to go back. We already went sightseeing, and you could use some rest if you didn't sleep last night."

Date: 2017-04-07 06:26 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (little black cloud)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
Lunch might sound good, but it isn't. Yuri's still hunched away from him, like he thinks Victor's going to start slinging needles his way, and if anything, he manages to say even less.

At least he eats something.

It's a temptation to just talk about yesterday, and what to look forward to tonight, and what to make sure he does or doesn't do, but Yuri knows everything he has to do, and Victor's not sure focusing on the free skate is really going to help the situation that much. It could just send Yuri into an even more severe spiral, since there isn't time to work on the things he's been having trouble with in practice. It's do or die, on the day of, and even if there were more time to practice, Victor wouldn't allow it. The last thing Yuri needs right now is to work his quad Salchow to death and exhaust himself even further.

He probably shouldn't watch the other performances first, either. Victor doesn't want him trying to change the jump composition mid-performance again and messing it up, so it'll be better if he doesn't know what he's up against.

The program is solid. It's technically advanced, and artistically beautiful. It can stand on its own two feet.

But not if Yuri can't, and so, when they're finished, Victor pushes back from the table and reaches to grab Yuri's arm and march him towards the elevators, smiling but firm. "Come on, Yuri. You can't go out there totally exhausted when you have such a long program to skate. No arguing!"

Shoving him into the elevator and pushing their floor number, and leaning back with his arms crossed. "You already looked tired at practice today and we need to make sure you're at your best tonight."

The room is still quiet, and he strides across to close the drapes and make it dark, too, still chatting. "Normally you land those jumps just fine, and everything else looked sloppy, too." Turning to point to Yuri's bed, the other hand on his hip.

There's a sleep mask in his bag: he crosses the room to dig it out, and toss it Yuri's way. "Get undressed. Use this, and get in bed. That's not a request."
Edited Date: 2017-04-07 06:35 pm (UTC)

Date: 2017-04-07 07:15 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by cherrytini (what if we ruin it all?)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
"Didn't I say this wasn't a conversation? You have to be on tonight, and worrying about it won't help, but this will."

Well, he said it wasn't a request, but it's the same basic idea, right? And anyway, Yuri's doing what he said, even if he's doing it slowly, so Victor can grab his arm and toss him bodily onto the bare mattress before flinging the sheet on top of him like a garnish. He doesn't stop there, though: Yuri's being reluctant enough that Victor suspects he's only waiting for the door to close and Victor to be down the hall to get up and worry some more.

Well, there's one way to make sure that doesn't happen, and that's to settle himself right at Yuri's side, head propped on the palm of one hand, the other patting the sheet over Yuri's stomach affectionately. "Nap until this evening's event starts. It'll be fine."

The nap, and the event itself. Everything will be fine. Yuri will be fine. They'll get through this just like they have everything leading up to it. "I always slept in until the last minute before competitions, too." In the hours and minutes when more practice wouldn't help, but more rest would.

His own eyes sliding closed, because the room is warm and dark and he's tired, too, and Yuri is right there, all wrapped in his sheet and looking adorably confused, and it's really just sheer gravity that pulls him down, arm and leg across that body, ear landing right over the center of Yuri's chest, where his heart is thudding strong and steady and just a little faster than it should.

Date: 2017-04-07 08:13 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (human nature at its best)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
It's not that he's ignoring Yuri, or that it isn't a good question –– it's just that he's already asleep.

Gone like someone swung a pillowcase of bricks at his head, without preamble or warning. In his defense, it might be impossible to do otherwise: even quick against his ear, Yuri's heartbeat is steady and soothing to listen to, and the rise and fall of his chest is hypnotizing, and the small noises of his body working are so quiet and reassuring that Victor never really had a chance.

(Not that he ever did. With any of this.)

Yuri warm and comfortable underneath him. Yuri, who blew the roof off the rink last night, and only needs to remember who he is and what he can do tonight to do the same thing. Yuri, who Victor had to learn to love in a totally new and different and terrifying way, who is letting him lie here like a blanket, and even if Yuri isn't touching Victor, he isn't stopping Victor from touching all of him.

When that's more satisfying than he could ever have imagined a year ago. All of this has been. Is. So much more than he dreamed even possible.

Sending him off to sleep with a smile on his lips and the peace of pure, unbreakable certainty quieting his mind, until there's nothing at all except his soft snores, and the heavy weight of his head on Yuri's chest.

Date: 2017-04-08 02:04 am (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by cherrytini (what if we ruin it all?)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
If he dreams about anything, he doesn't remember it: all he knows is he's closing his eyes and listening to the sound of Yuri's heart beating and the rush of his blood and breath, and then his eyes are opening again in the gloom. It could be any time, but he's never needed an alarm for this, and when he shifts, making a sleepy noise, and lifts his head up off Yuri's chest to blink at the clock, he's right: they have just about an hour before they need to be at the rink, which gives them plenty of time to get changed and make their way over.

He sits up with a sigh, and rubs at his eyes, shakes Yuri's shoulder with his hand as it drops. "Yuri, time to get up. There's time for you to shower, if you want."

He wants one. The only problem with afternoon naps is they leave him feeling flushed and sluggish, and his next yawn is jaw-crackingly huge as he stretches, and gets up off the edge of the mattress to go open the drapes again. Some water –– hot or cold, he doesn't care –– and something to drink, and he'll be ready to go again, ready for that suit hanging waiting in the closet, ready for the free skate.

Hopefully Yuri will be, too.

Date: 2017-04-08 02:58 am (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (my glorious debut)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
He takes the mask back and tucks it away, and uses Yuri's time in the shower to lay out everything they'll need: Yuri's costume, the bag with all his equipment, some bottles of water, the tissue box. His own shower he keeps to a bare minimum: enough to wash the sweat from his nap off his skin, enough to refresh him, enough to swish the stale taste of sleep from his mouth. Hair brushed in its usual part, but it'll dry on the way. The gray three piece suit that he bought last year for the Worlds banquet, and that has seen more duty in the last month and a half than in the year before it.

Shoes, polished. Gloves in the pocket of his coat. And Yuri.

Who still looks tired, but Victor can't tell if that's because he's still sleepy from the nap, or because he didn't manage to sleep after all, but there's no time to get into it: they have to go.

(Frustrating to be going last. To have so much time to warm up, and too much time to think. All that time for Yuri's mind to play tricks on him, if Victor can't keep him focused.

But at least it's only five skaters ahead. It could be worse.)

The air in Shanghai in November is brisk, and it wakes him up even further, but his mind is already racing ahead, considering the routine, the competition, Yuri's weariness. He's not concerned about the latter as much as he perhaps should be: Yuri's stamina and stubbornness should power him through those four minutes and change even if there's nothing left of him to give by the end of it.

Once he's on the ice. Once it matters.

"We have lots of time once we're there to warm up, so take it nice and slow, okay?"

Date: 2017-04-08 04:14 am (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by cherrytini (I'm disappointed in you)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
Yuri's got his earbuds in, sitting off to the side, and that should be normal. Would be, if he didn't seem to be losing an argument with his water bottle.

He'd barely spoken at all on the way over here. Hadn't seemed to be listening. Didn't respond when people called his name, or tried to get his attention, and now Victor's watching him with a fixed and exasperated smile, resting his elbow on the arm around his own stomach, tapping at his cheek with one gloved finger, until it becomes too much.

Suddenly swooping in, hearing Yuri's surprised gasp like he'd forgotten Victor was even there, and Victor would honestly be surprised if that weren't the case. "Yuri, were you unable to take a nap?"

He looks terrible. Face drawn and pale, deep bruised circles under his eyes. Even his jacket looks like it isn't fitting right, and the hands around the water bottle he was trying and failing to open are trembling, and Victor doesn't know if he should hug him or shake him in exasperation.

His negation is such an obvious lie that Victor just rolls straight past it, not even deigning to acknowledge its existence. "I forbid you from doing jumps in the six-minute warm-up." The last thing Yuri needs while in this fragile state is to flub a jump and lose all confidence, and he looks so tired Victor's not even sure he'll be able to stand up under his own power, let alone practice jumps that he normally has no trouble with. "That's an order from your coach, Yuri."

Date: 2017-04-08 11:32 am (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (who does he take after)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
Yuri's the type to get nervous easily, that's never been a secret, but it means that he can often blow things out of proportion. If he misses a jump in the practice and loses even more confidence, it might affect the free skate later ––

Which is what is running through Victor's mind when he sees Yuri take to the air, only to crash on the ice and slide towards the wall, exactly as Victor worried might happen. He's not sure if he should be more annoyed that Yuri disobeyed a direct order, or relieved that Yuri at least had enough spirit to give it a shot, but either way it's frustrating and he has a sudden pang of sympathy for all time times he'd ignored Yakov's orders and done what he thought was best without considering their longterm effect.

Not that it will help Yuri for him to be annoyed, he looks downhearted enough when he comes to the gate to collect his skate guards and water bottle, so Victor doesn't chastise him, only asks "Did you hurt yourself?" and when it's clear that Yuri's fine, shrugs it off, and starts walking them back towards the warm-up space and green room. Yuri's shoulders are slumped and he says nothing, but Victor is still pushing for positive, talking like it meant nothing. "Well, it's common for skaters to nail something they flubbed during practice!"

It's about the only encouraging thing he can think to say, when he's getting nothing from Yuri and he's not sure how to crack this shell. Is it just exhaustion? Is it nerves? The flubbed jump? The pressure of being first? He'd never felt this way, so it's difficult to pinpoint just exactly how to keep this gray mood from snowballing further.

But it's not so bad, right? Perhaps if he just brushes it off, Yuri will latch onto that and start focusing on what he can do isn't of what he didn't, so his laugh is breezy and bright, even when Yuri mumbles an apology he can barely hear. "Well, just continue warming up, nice and easy."
Edited Date: 2017-04-08 11:34 am (UTC)

Date: 2017-04-08 06:48 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by plastic (have been replaced)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
More than a few heads turn, as Yuri gets up to switch off the televisions mid-way through Guang-hong's performance, and more than a few of those then turn towards him, but he couldn't care less about anyone in the room right now, annoyed or worried or not. Not when Yuri seems to be spiraling directly into a fullblown panic attack.

Hunched in a chair, holding his head in his hands and staring at his jiggling knee, unable to stop his foot from bouncing, or maybe not even aware that it is, and he knew Yuri got anxious, knew that he choked during his last Grand Prix run and fell into a gloom he couldn't escape, binge-eating and depressed, feeling like he was fighting alone. But all that's changed, hasn't it? He has his family, Minako, Victor. Even Yurio and the other skaters: everyone wants to see Yuri do well this year, finally meet his potential and show them all what he can really do. It isn't two years ago, and he isn't going to crash and burn.

Well, not if Victor can help it, anyway.

Pushing himself out of his train of thought and dropping his finger from where it had been tapping his mouth, to head over to Yuri and put a hand on his shoulder. "Yuri, don't sit down. I want you to go stretch out so you don't get cold and stiffen up."

Looking around before he spots Yuri's mat, rolled up near the rest of his equipment, and giving Yuri's shoulder a gentle push towards it. "There's some space over there –– "

Away from the televisions, where he can listen to his music and focus on stretching. "–– Go use it. You need to loosen up and stay warm."

Date: 2017-04-08 08:07 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by plastic (wait for me!)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
It seems to work for a little while.

At least, through the rest of Guang-hong's routine, and into the start of Chris', when Victor is looking back and forth between the performance on the screen (Chris is on fire today, looking relaxed and confident, and has that been as uncomfortable a thought as it is right now?) and Yuri stretching first on the mat, and then against the wall. He seems focused, at any rate ... or, he does until Victor catches a glimpse of his expression and sees how blank his eyes are, how drawn his face, and realizes that Yuri is trembling.

No. Not trembling. Shaking. Out of fear or adrenaline or nerves or exhaustion, Victor doesn't know, but Chris lands a jump combination that makes the room burst into approving applause, and he can see Yuri's shoulders tightening and lifting under his jacket, followed by a hard shiver, and he comes to a sudden decision, clear and sharp as shattering glass. It's only a few steps to reach for Yuri and grasp him by the scruff of his jacket's collar to drag him off the wall, walking briskly away: from the room, from the televisions, from the competition, from the people crowding up Yuri's space and making it harder for him to breathe. "Yuri, let's warm up in a different spot."

In the end, Yuri will have to fight for those four minutes and change on his own, but until there, Victor can protect him as well as he's able: that's what a coach should do, right? Protect his skater. Comfort him, and lift his confidence. Right now, Yuri is the most fragile Victor's ever seen him, and watching the others skate and listening to the idle chatter in the room will only push him further, so where's the place with the fewest people? Somewhere safe for Yuri to warm up in peace, without pitting himself against every skater to take the ice before he does?

But there seems to be people everywhere they turn, and Victor keeps directing Yuri through other doors, into other hallways, until finally they're in the stairwell, and the only sound is that of their echoing footsteps. Yuri's just following wherever Victor directs him, and that's not good, but they're getting away from people, and that is, and Victor might not know exactly what to do to motivate Yuri now, or snap him out of this spiral, but he can at least give him the space to try and work through it, himself.

That space, it turns out, ends up being the garage below the rink, but it's fine, it's fine. For their purposes, they don't need anything else: all they need is space for Yuri to warm up and breathe in peace, and for that, it's perfect.

Date: 2017-04-08 09:32 pm (UTC)
fivetimechamp: by me (don't argue with me)
From: [personal profile] fivetimechamp
There's an approving roar from above, and Yuri shivers like a cat that's been sprayed with water, looking up at him with huge, panicked eyes, and Victor thinks, Вот дерьмо.

"O-Okay, Yuri."

Smiling and trying his best to stay an even keel, even as he's holding his hands up to try and ward Yuri off at the pass. "First, let's take deep breaths."

Yuri has to calm down, if for no other reason, so that he doesn't have a heart attack or stroke right here in the garage. "Don't worry about it, Chris was only the second to go. Looking at the standings now isn't going to mean anything, okay?"

He has no idea if anything he's saying or doing is getting through, and he doesn't like it down here: it's cold and dim and echo-y and it's maybe the second to worst place for Yuri to warm up. The problem being, of course, that the worst place is where they just came from, with all the building pressure.

(Phichit is up now, he thinks ... that means another ten minutes or so before they have to start heading back up.)

"Go ahead and warm up, I'll keep an eye on the rankings for you. That's part of my job, not yours, remember?"

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theglassheart: [ Fanart ] : { Google Images } (Default)
勝生 勇利, Katsuki Yūri

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